Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hate it when you go to bed and you finally convince yourself that the spot on the wall is just a piece of dirt or something, and then it totally starts crawling towards you!

   Also, when asked by police if you have any weapons or drugs, never say "Why? What do you need?"

   The YMCA has officially shortened it's name to "The Y". You know times are tough when letters are even getting laid off.

   Turns out, when the officer asks why you're not wearing a seatbelt, pretending to have T-Rex arms is only hilarious to you.

   busy creating an excuse for not coming into work tomorrow.

   Sometimes you have to be completely torn down before you can be rebuilt.

   When I was younger I would make funny faces in the mirror. Now that I'm older the mirror is getting even! I hate that mirror!!!

   I don't care what the law say, if you poke me and you're not my friend, it's rape.

   Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes close

   I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbour said 'Are you going to help?' I said 'No, six should be enough.

   I don't like how Facebook asks "What's on your mind?" I usually just lie and live with the guilt.

   ...easy there, don't cry, it's OK. Everyone makes mistakes...take your parents for example

   When someone smells nice, it automatically makes them more attractive.

   (texting from my jail cell)Yesterday was International Ninja Day, when people were encouraged to carry toy weapons and wear black masks. And as I found out the hard way, my bank wasn't celebrating it.

   "im gonna have to steal this" my number one "compliment"

   ‎"Till Death Do Us Part" should just be changed to "Till Sh!t Happens" during the wedding vows, coz people don't wait for “Death” anyways.

   When a woman gets the security guard and points at you; that means she's interested right?

   A great thing about being single is never having to erase your history tab.

   I wish Beyonce & Jay-Z would get on stage and present their baby to the world like Mufasa did in the Lion King.

   It sucks when the trailer makes a movie seem funny but when you watch it you realize that literally all the funny parts were just in the trailer.