Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No one ever questions how Mayor McCheese managed to keep his job while the citizens of his town were being eaten.

   Often think if I'd taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.

   Lazy rule #1: Can't reach it. Don't need it.

   Remember that one time when Kanye West made a song dissing gold diggers? Then turned around and married the biggest gold digger in the country?

   My credit score has a McDonald's application stapled to it.

   .... So .... Julian Assange just revealed that the guy behind the Leak of Hillary's Emails IS the guy that was murdered last week. Gee .... What are the chances?

   For some reason, whenever I'm taking clothes out of the dryer, I have the urge to start singing "You gotta know when to Hold em', know when to Fold em'.....know when to walk away, know when to run....."

   I can't wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they're jerks

   It's not the people who vote that counts, it's the people who count the votes!

   The police department should replace their sirens with the national athem.

   HA ... According to the Democr@ts and the DNC those so called "Russian Hackers" were much better than we thought!! Apparently they were actually able to hack Hillary's emails from the NSA, Put them on Huma's laptop and then pin it on Mr. Weiner.

   " I have known @nthony Weiner for a long long time and consider him a very good friend, His sudden impending suspicious suicide will take a serious toll on all of us." ----- Hillary Clinton

   I watched Bugs, Popeye, and the Roadrunner every day when growing up. This nation is the beacon for the world. Kids today watch cartoons with 0 violence and need safe zone. I fear the future.

   'Half the world is made up of people with something to say but can't & the other half is made up of people with nothing to say but keep on saying it anyway.'

   Throughout the 90's, during its infancy, the internet was referred to as the Information Superhighway. Little did we realize, that in such a short amount of time, it would unfortunately become the Misinformation Stupidhighway.

   It never fails. I wash my car and the very next day I hit a pedestrian.

   I'm glad to see most of you are not letting your education get in the way of your ignorance.

   Bed Bath & Beyond sells like 7 things that people actually buy and then just a bunch of other stuff that's been there since 1998.

   I need breakfast! If I were any more hungry right now, Brad and Angelina would adopt me

   If you're home alone and wearing pants, you're doing it wrong!