Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   .... So .... Julian Assange just revealed that the guy behind the Leak of Hillary's Emails IS the guy that was murdered last week. Gee .... What are the chances?

   For some reason, whenever I'm taking clothes out of the dryer, I have the urge to start singing "You gotta know when to Hold em', know when to Fold em'.....know when to walk away, know when to run....."

   I can't wait til the Presidential race ends so we can stop hating people for their politics and go back to hating people because they're jerks

   It's not the people who vote that counts, it's the people who count the votes!

   The older I get, the more sense it makes to have a TV in the bathroom.

   People tell me to Get a Grip, then they get all pissed off when I put my hands around their neck.

   If you’re assigned green beans for Thanksgiving then you’re the one who can’t cook

   My wife just asked me for a divorce for Valentine’s Day. I told her I wasn’t planning on spending that much.

   How do you know you're allergic to cats if you don't even eat them?

   I don’t mean to brag,. But I closed down a few bars back in the day without the Governors approval,.

   My 5 year plan is to survive this year

   My biggest fear is getting a murder hornet stuck in my facemask as I shovel snow Saturday morning in May.

   So riots are part of phase one of the reopening?

   I would pay $1,000 to watch the "View" hosts attempt to run one mile.

   This generation is guilty of making the wrong people rich and famous.

   The police department should replace their sirens with the national athem.

   Bed Bath & Beyond sells like 7 things that people actually buy and then just a bunch of other stuff that's been there since 1998.

   I need breakfast! If I were any more hungry right now, Brad and Angelina would adopt me

   If you're home alone and wearing pants, you're doing it wrong!

   If you ever want to see my impression of one of those inflatable tube guys that car dealerships use,,,, throw a spider down the back of my shirt