Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you say “Kanye” in the mirror three times, he appears, pushes you over and starts screaming his own name in the mirror.

   If you think my jokes are bad, you should see my choice in women.

   So let me get this straight -- somewhere a huge NSA data center is storing untold terabytes of data with text like "lol my cat just did a funny" and "u looking good gf"

   ATTENTION : All position for stupid people in my life ,have been filled ,no more applicants need apply. Thank You !

   “It's not up for discussion,” is a thing I say to my wife when I’m absolutely certain I want to spend the next six hours discussing it...

   Did you ever notice some people with the lowest moral compass and zero integrity suddenly become 'karma experts' when things don't go their way?

   We got two inches of snow last night and now I can't find my Smart Car.

   Don't put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry.

   wondering if my HEART is healthy enough for SEX , volunteers needed.

   Went gluten free recently and I'm proud to say that after only 2 weeks, I'm already down 15 friends.

   No, I can't come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.

   Kylie Jenner is 17 and just bought a house at $2.7 million and I have to think twice before adding guacamole at Chipotle

   My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life and I don't try to run mine.

   "There's strength in numbers" I whisper to my 9th slice of pizza.

   Vegans will be the other white meat for zombies. Just saying.

   I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.

   This has to be the only "holiday" created by someone with a speech impediment...

   Alcohol helps to remove the stress, the bra and many other problems !!!

   Remember before facebook when thoughts stayed in people’s heads?

   it possible to love the one you're with but not be able to stand the sound of their breathing? Asking for a friend