Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You can tell a lot about a new neighbor by how they react when they find you hiding under their bed

   Attention to all the homeless, it is a very bad time to ask me if I have any "spare change" when I'm pumping 4 dollar a gallon gas into my car.

   The best revenge is to show them that your life is getting better after they're gone

   Candy companies need to learn that making a candy bar and eighth of its original size does not make it "fun sized," it just makes more wrappers to throw away.

   There are times I'll make up words and slip them into conversations just to see if anyone is actually protempifying to what I'm saying.

   Every time I walk into a singles bar, I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up!! You don't know where it's been!!!"

   broke my personal record for not dying today

   You'll never convince me that women don't shed their hair to mark their territory.

   I don't just laugh in dangers face. I bend it over a chair and pull it's hair!!!

   they say money can't buy you happiness but it can buy you a sh!t load of bacon and thats pretty damn close

   Nothing like sitting back and watching the people who stabbed you in the back fall apart.

   I could win American Idol if they just let me bring my shower on stage.

   A slew of people aren't using the word "slew" enough.

   The best time to look for a job is when you already have one. Men apply the same theory to looking for a girlfriend.

   I bought a cheese grater for my blind uncle. He said it was the most violent thing he ever read.

   I think these cold pills are just making the snot mad.

   Alien 1: "Did the humans receive our message?" Aliens 2 : "Yes, but they named it Dubstep and now they dance to it."

   I often send texts to random numbers that say. "Guess whose restraining order's expired!?" Eventually I'm bound to get a hysterical reply.

   I don't think dogs like giving high fives as much as we think they do.

   Why should I bother staying informed about political issues when nobody running for office does?