Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   walking in the mall today..saw a kid with 4 lip rings..suddenly had an urge to hang a shower curtain.

   I've seen a lot of people discussing the Tupac hologram and debating if it's disrespectful to him. I personally think we're losing sight of what's really important here... we're one step closer to having holographic strippers in our living rooms!

   I started drying my hands with a wall mounted hand dryer back in 1998 and I think they're almost dry.

   There should be a children's song "If you're happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your Dad sleep."

   Hey Timex, if I end up 660ft under water... I'm pretty sure that I won't need a watch.

   Girls want a fairy tale relationship, guys want a happy ending. ;)

   I can't wait til the kids go back to school and all the people who are supposed to be working start posting again.

   Halloween = candy. Thanksgiving = food. Christmas = gifts. New years = drinks. Valentines day = sex. Birthday = all of the above.

   I don't understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion

   I just saw a baby wearing a shirt saying: "Santa doesn't exist, but that's ok, cause I can't read."

   chain wallets are a great way to let the ladies know that you've got about $7 that you don't wanna lose.

   Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.

   I secretly like days when none of my facebook friends have birthdays.

   If you have to do more then 3 takes when taking a picture of yourself, it's not the angle or the lighting. It's you. You're ugly.

   Valentine's Day: Dinner for two - $80, Dessert - $20, Flowers - $50, Gold Necklace - $250, Bottle of French Champagne - $100, Godiva Strawberry Chocolates - $60… Look on his face after she says - “I'm on a period…” PRICELESS!!!

   I will make a book called Math for dummies and I'll sell 1 for 10 dollars or 2 for 30.

   We started at around 1:45am and stopped around 3:15am. She was impressed. Thanks Daylight Savings Time!

   "Spike Lee tweets wrong address forcing elderly couple out of their home!" Nice going Dum A$$!

   I got a job as a bounty hunter in China, I couldn't believe my luck!...Every time they put up a new wanted poster, the guy they were looking for was standing right next to me!

   Attention Ladies : No Shave November is meant for men not women.