Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Halloween = candy. Thanksgiving = food. Christmas = gifts. New years = drinks. Valentines day = sex. Birthday = all of the above.

   I don't understand the saying "you snooze you lose"... I hit the snooze button 8 times this morning and feel like a champion

   I just saw a baby wearing a shirt saying: "Santa doesn't exist, but that's ok, cause I can't read."

   chain wallets are a great way to let the ladies know that you've got about $7 that you don't wanna lose.

   Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.

   I secretly like days when none of my facebook friends have birthdays.

   If you have to do more then 3 takes when taking a picture of yourself, it's not the angle or the lighting. It's you. You're ugly.

   Valentine's Day: Dinner for two - $80, Dessert - $20, Flowers - $50, Gold Necklace - $250, Bottle of French Champagne - $100, Godiva Strawberry Chocolates - $60… Look on his face after she says - “I'm on a period…” PRICELESS!!!

   I will make a book called Math for dummies and I'll sell 1 for 10 dollars or 2 for 30.

   We started at around 1:45am and stopped around 3:15am. She was impressed. Thanks Daylight Savings Time!

   "Spike Lee tweets wrong address forcing elderly couple out of their home!" Nice going Dum A$$!

   I got a job as a bounty hunter in China, I couldn't believe my luck!...Every time they put up a new wanted poster, the guy they were looking for was standing right next to me!

   Attention Ladies : No Shave November is meant for men not women.

   My, what a lovely shade of slut you are wearing today!

   You want confessions? Lock a person in a room with a laptop, a facebook account & a bottle of booze ...

   The three things I like most about Republican Presidential Candidate Rick Perry; Number 1. He has great hair, number 2. he has great teeth, and number 3. he has.... uhhh, he has..... ummmm, he has.... ohhh crap, I forget! Is it the EPA?

   Live your life in such a way that the Westboro Baptist Church will want to picket your funeral.

   I think the reason old people sleep in separate bedrooms is so they don't have to wake up next to someone dead.

   I used to think the brain was the most interesting part of the body. Then I realized what was telling me that.

   The best place to hide a body is on page 2 of Google's search results