Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm 16 weeks and I'm craving for a facebook game for Men to Confuse the Ladies!!!!

   Dear REALLY Cool Car Owner, Seems your car felt the need to take 2 parking spots today…I read once that this is caused by a lack of social skills, so that is why I dinged it up a bit, and left this message via key…just trying to help it ‘fit in'â€

   Please FB, if not permanently, then at least on April Fool's Day...when people poke me, make the button give a sudden loud buzz and frighten the crap out of them :)..x

   Just once in my life I'd like to see a liars pants actually catch on damn fire...

   Offering a hobo $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.

   Joggers always give each other a little nod when they pass, just like fat guys in a buffet line.

   The early bird needs to shut up.

   Just phished Forest Gump's Facebook password, it's: 1Forest1

   Aaron Hernandez is going to jail as a Tight End and will leave jail as a Wide Receiver

   When a newscaster says; "I am live at the scene with a person who witnessed the accident," what they really mean is; "Check out this douchetard we found at the scene of this crash."

   Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I'm hesitant to start the car.

   Apparently the NFL replacement Refs now work as tape-delay guys at Fox News....

   When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?

   Doggy style, because sometimes you both just like the same tv show.

   Just bought my " I survived black history month" T-shirt

   The Washington Redskins will now be known just as the Redskins because many people find the word "Washington" offensive.

   Ugh. New Year's Eve is just around the corner and I STILL haven't picked out which gang sign I'm going to hold up in photos

   People complain about voters making bad decisions but what else would you expect from a nation with 7 successful cupcake-based reality shows

   Don’t dance like no one is watching, dance like someone is watching and about to slide a twenty dollar bill into your neon thong.

   If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .