Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'll take "Things that a crackhead would steal" for $600, Alex.

   Facebook should just change the status question from "What's on your mind?" to "What's your problem today?" ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶*´¨`*:.☆

   If you have an album in your facebook photo page, titled...WeDdInG pHoToS!!!! You my have been too young to marry.

   Angry Birds is going to be turned into an animated series. If it's anything like the game an episode will be 30 seconds long, played 20 times in a row, and sure to piss people off.

   going to take a picture of his first kid and use age progression software to figure out what he'll look like when he's 16. Then I'm going to frame the picture and keep it as a centrepiece in the house. Then when the appropriate time comes and he realiz

   I'm not sure why I involuntarily fart while I pee but I'm pretty glad I don't involuntarily pee when I fart.

   Do nudists refer to their genitals as "privates" or "publics"?

   I believe in love at first sight....which is exactly why I stopped looking homeless people in the eyes. Just cant risk it.

   Well aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution.

   My downstairs neighbor's 3 favorite movies of all time... 3.) “10,000,000 Explosions” 2.) “Army Guys Yelling At Each Other” 1.) “Subwoofer: The Movie”

   I had to take back my OJ Simpson Halloween costume because the glove didn't fit.

   My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel....

   When Eminem, wrote Recovery, obviously he wanted to Recover. Akon wrote Freedom, because he wanted freedom. And Justin Bieber wrote boyfriend, hhmmmm......

   Tip: Before asking if someone is pregnant, make sure he's a woman.

   If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I'm gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.

   What's the appropriate cutoff age for playing in an inflatable bouncy house? Please let me know ASAP as this will impact my weekend plans.

   There's no need to rush. If something's meant to be, it'll happen in the right time, with the right person, and for the best reason.

   Ladies... After a BJ, if your makeup doesn't look like The Joker's, you half-a55ed it.

   Just got "I <3 U" texted to me. Of course I also think one is less than three. Idiot.

   Damn white cars that look like cop cars! I just chugged my beer super fast for nothing