Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Whenever I get angry, I calm myself down by repeating these 5 words over and over again, “Bartender, Give Me A Double”

   Yo Italian Cruise Ship... I'mma let you finish but Titanic had the best sinking of all time!!!

   A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

   Christmas shopping is a pain in the cash.

   Hookers dont like to snuggle..

   Wondering if you plugged your nose and your mouth while you sneezed, would it come out of your ears or would your head explode?

   wishing you wouldn't take such steamy showers, it fogs my camera's

   Don't judge a book by it's cover, but do judge a person by their Facebook status.

   I'd fake blindness to touch you inappropriately. ;)

   So now that oil is so cheap,,,, maybe we should start drilling for black printer ink.

   English man and a Thai woman are in bed. After sex the women starts stroking his weenie. The man asks haven't you had enough? She says “yeah, I just miss mine."

   Sometimes I go down to the Home Depot and pick up day laborers in my truck just to have people to drink with. Hop in, amigos. It's Miller time.

   When someone is waiting for you to leave so they can take your parking spot: 1) Pretent to turn key. 2) Exit car. 3) Open hood and look frustrated.

   he finally killed someone...bout time obama blackened up.

   Everybody in Chicago is moaning about the snow. Um it is winter and it is Chicago, what dou you expect? Sunshine and lollipops?

   There's no more difficult transition than Sunday to Monday...

   its better to loved and lost then to live with the psycho for the rest of your life.

   My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.

   has been asked to change his status regarding SATC2. Apparently PETA didn't take too well at me comparing Sarah Jessica Parker/Carrie to a horse. It was harsh on horses worldwide..... I am sorry......

   Mel Gibson, Randy Quaid and Charlie Sheen walk into a bar. I don't know what the punchline is, but I'm pretty sure the cops are showing up.