Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If at first you don't succeed, you'll get a lot of free advice from folks who didn't succeed either.

   Guys: Every two weeks, tell your lady that her new hairstyle looks great!!!! You might not notice it...... but trust me, they changed it. You can thank me later.

   I was explaining to my Boss last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

   Crap....all this time I thought I was listening to the Angel on my shoulder. Turns out the Devil on the other shoulder is just a hell of a ventriloquist.

   Dear bed, I know that I left you this morning, but I love you. Take me back?

   So is it the 3rd or 4th refill of water into the nearly empty liquid soap bottle that makes you ghetto?

   You can learn a lot about a woman from the top dresser drawer beside her bed...

   That annoying moment when you're waiting for a text & you get one but it's from the wrong person.

   I couldn't believe it when my wife announced she was leaving me for being too lazy. Especially after I'd spent all morning taking the Christmas decorations down.....

   Dear guy in the mens bathroom...* man rule # 1a - if there's 5 urinals and I'm in urinal #1 , dont come parking it at urinal #2 !...your man card is suspended !

   never get into a fist fight with an ugly person, they have nothing to lose

   Its better to have a long distance relationship as phone calls are cheaper than fuel prices

   instead of "lol", try "lsimhbiwfefmtalol"... laughing silently in my head because it wasn't funny enough for me to actually laugh out loud.

   What if they read a list of everything youve ever typed into Google before entering Heaven..

   Twitter was invented to teach women how to communicate silently in 140 characters or less.

   you ever had that one friend that you don't like to eat with, cause they chew their food like their mad at it?!?

   Starting a petition for Charlie Sheen and Whitney Houston to co-host the Oscars next year. What a delicious treat that would be.

   Just a kind thought to all those born on February 29th: You've only got 1 year left to plan your birthday party :D

   Somalia Pirates are at it again...what is this the 1600's? kill those bastrads.

   I wish I could talk to donkeys so I could be known as the ass whisperer.