Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the Olympics has taught me anything it's that China may have a population of over 1 billion... but they only have two hair styles.

   so youre looking for a good guy who will love and respect you, but yet you post half naked pics on your fb? why thats. .thats brilliant!

   Step 1: Attach a mustache to your TV. Step 2: Drink every time it lines up with someone's face.

   A bottle of wine and I still have feelings. Time for whiskey.

   Daylight Saving Time this weekend but try not to lose any sleep over it

   The most awkward thing you can hear from the guy at the urinal next to you..."Hey, nice watch".

   I failed the quiz by 1 point, the last question was " where do most women have curly hair" apparently the correct answer was "Africa"..

   Single girls give better hugs.

   Do you remember your parents telling you when you were bad, "I brought you into this world and I can take you out!" Those were the good ole' days

   If a girl is stupid enough to love you after you broke her heart, I guarantee you, she is the one.

   Global Warming must be true, it seems a lot of snow flakes are melting this year.

   LAPD are looking for a black guy who shot some people. so far, they have 3 million suspects...

   Martin Luther King would be rolling over in his grave if he knew people were trying to equate his legacy with #BlackLivesMatter felons.

   Now that the Confederate Flag has been removed that will stop all of the hate and murders in this country

   I like to scare deaf people by yawning.

   Latest news from Egypt: نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست I will keep ya'll informed if anything else changes.

   How many teenage girls does it take to change a lightbulb? Eleven: one to change the lightbulb and ten to each take 200 photos of the event for facebook, clog up your news feed, and later on edit the pictures to black and white.

   Teacher: John why did you bring your cat to school today? John: (crying) I heard the postman tell mom "when the kid goes to school i'ma eat your (CENSORED).

   hoping to be abducted on Monday and set free on Friday...I know its a pretty wishful thinking.

   The Internet: Where men are men, women are men, and children are the FBI