Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everyone seems normal until you get to know them

   Wishing I knew all my Facebook friends....Some seem pretty cool...Sure hope I meet them someday....

   I'm no psychologist, but I'm pretty sure the only way to alleviate the guilt of eating a peanut butter cup is by eating 15 more.

   instead of fighting over healthcare the government should just legalize-marijuana. then when we are all stoned then they can do what they want and we will all be to ripped to care

   Does this rag smell like Chloroform?

   Katy Perry's cleavage too much for Sesame Street "HELLO" Elmo is naked

   Daughter walks in on her mom giving dad a hand job, "Mommy, what you doing?" Mom says "Your daddy is getting too fat, so I'm letting some of the air out of him." The little girl replies, "Good luck, the lady next door is just got done blowing him up again

   Dating sites should have a section for people to leave a review for the person they went out with.

   I just dropped $2 somewhere under the passenger seat in my car, so I guess I have a savings account now.

   Relax, everyone.....The government that couldn't get a website to work has got this Ebola thing. Don't worry!!

   Wedding cake…One last reminder of what it was like to shove something in her mouth.

   So I wanted to publicly apologize for not doing the ice bucket challenge for everyone that nominated me. I don't give money to charity, unless she is on stage B at 11:30.

   Martin Luther King would be rolling over in his grave if he knew people were trying to equate his legacy with #BlackLivesMatter felons.

   Now that the Confederate Flag has been removed that will stop all of the hate and murders in this country

   LAPD are looking for a black guy who shot some people. so far, they have 3 million suspects...

   I like to scare deaf people by yawning.

   Latest news from Egypt: نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست نور اگر رفت سایه پیدا نیست I will keep ya'll informed if anything else changes.

   How many teenage girls does it take to change a lightbulb? Eleven: one to change the lightbulb and ten to each take 200 photos of the event for facebook, clog up your news feed, and later on edit the pictures to black and white.

   Teacher: John why did you bring your cat to school today? John: (crying) I heard the postman tell mom "when the kid goes to school i'ma eat your (CENSORED).

   hoping to be abducted on Monday and set free on Friday...I know its a pretty wishful thinking.