Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In order to PREVENT SPAM, I ask that you DONT CLICK THE FRIGGIN LINK YOU BONEHEADED TWAT !

   the dance floor is a priviledge not a right

   "Porn stash" sounds too seedy. I prefer to call it my "Guybrary."

   Dear construction worker: After 637 washes, your orange shirt is no longer classified as "high visibility".

   I just don't think this wiener thing is going to stand up in court.

   Accidentally watched a few minutes of The Bachelor and now I can't remember a single state capitol.

   Nowadays, Father's Day is a good day to thank Dad for not running away from home.

   my method of Resistance Training is just NOT working out!

   In the past, when you were angry with someone, you fought them. Now you just defriend them on Facebook.

   Oh you want me to "make time" for you? Well, if I could "make time" I wouldn't be wasting that skill on you.

   Driving home late, uncomfortable, cold, music blaring: About to fall asleep. Finally home, comfortable, quiet, in bed: Wide awake and posting on facebook.

   Love: Nature's way of tricking people into reproducing

   Dear Oil Companies…at least have the common courtesy to offer a reach around when I pump…Fu@k You Very Much…

   thinks I've found the cure for stupidity... a shock collar. And if it doesn't cure them, at least you got a good laugh watching them twitch."

   Why does everyone say my name like it means “Shut Up”?

   Government shutdown...is that a threat or a promise?

   If our Government shuts down how much Electricity will we save?

   Afraid of not getting what you ordered when online shopping.....Ha, try online dating

   Don't blame me for your issues. Your seat on the crazy train was reserved long before you met me.

   If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!