Funny Status Messages

   I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the time he killed himself.

   I have learnt so much from my mistakes, I am thinking of making a few more.

   B!tch please, my bubblegum flavor lasts longer than your relationships.

   I can never hear the song Bohemian Rhapsody and not think of Wayne's World.

   real dogs ride in pickups, not purses....

   Contrary to popular belief, women really dress to impress other women.

   - As a driver I hate pedestrains, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

   To ensure you never cut yourself while chopping vegetables, get a friend to hold the vegetable.

   Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight... Hoping to get a PS4 in return.

   If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some single women have more than one baby daddy?

   This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.

   Forrest Gump forever changed the way I pronounce buttocks.

   Bruce Jenner has barely admitted to transitioning to be a female and has already begun to drive as bad as one.

   Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders

   Anyone who thinks that women can't be funny has obviously never watched one try to parallel park.

   This Country is at War!........with itself!!!

   It sucks when you make a really awesome post but then someone steals your glory with an even better comment.

   Only at Mcdonalds do they say,"Sorry about your wait" and really mean "weight.",

   I'll take Same Crap/Different Day Alex for 200

   I miss newspapers. It's weird hitting a dog on the nose with an iPad