Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Its called investigating - NOT stalking!!

   Sometimes I wish there was a zombie apocalypse just so I can hit a certain few people in the face with a shovel.

   There's nothing wrong with you that reincarnation won't cure.

   Help keep America beautiful. Stay in your house today.

   Too many people live for compliments, instead of accomplishments.

   Have you noticed each generation is getting ruder and shorter?

   Dear Skoal Tobacco Co: Can you please come up with a pouch with a 50/50 mix of tobacco and coffee grounds? Thanks

   U know I bet people would become a lot nicer if they sold people tags like they sell deer tags. Once a year you can buy a tag and take out that 1 special person

   Lets Be Honest, slow internet, is worse than bad sex.

   Overhearing someone ask their friend a question sucks when you know the answer, but can't exhibit your amazing knowledge without seeming like a weirdo for listening to their conversation.

   all the QUEEN'S horses and ALL the QUEEN'S MEN could not get me up at 4am for THOSE wedding SHENANIGANS!!!

   When I was younger, I wanted to be a famous writer like Hemingway. I got the alcoholism down, just not the hunting and suicide part

   Jennifer Anistons dog Normam dies -CNN... CNN, Dude seriously! www.whocares.com

   Sad truth: He goes to Jared, she goes to a pawn shop in about 7 years.

   Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth? - I do, as long as you get me drunk or take me back to my childhood.

   Some people's opinion doesnt matter and quite frankly never will..

   Around here you don't lose your girl, you just lose your turn ..

   When I go on deployments, I have my friends send me Jack Daniels in a Listerine bottle.

   Just went through the self checkout at Walmart and was named "Employee of the Month"......

   Months of outrage about school shootings but when ISIS compound is discovered training kids to do more of them,no one cared.