Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ‎'Jesus loves you.' Comforting to hear in church; terrifying to hear in a Mexican prison

   I think today I'll stalk random strangers and tag myself as one of the people in the background of their vacation pics...

   Everyone's so busy judging who gay people can marry, and yet not ONE of you stopped me from marrying the wrong guy. Thanks a lot a$$holes.

   Get your popcorn ready! It's Movie Night in Ferguson again!!

   you're sleeping between a hot girl and a gay dude.You're all naked. who do you turn your back to when you sleep?

   gonna make a FB account with the name "benefits".That way when a few ppl add me, it'll say: you and 5 other ppl r now friends with benefit

   When women talk to each other, the devil sits in a corner, quietly listening and learning.

   "what if your pillow could collect your dreams and when you wake up you plug it into your computer and watch them over again" YES

   There is more money being spent on breast implants and Vi*gra today than on Alzheimer's research. By 2040, there should be a lot of old people with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

   I read a story Thursday about things you shouldn't buy used, such as child car seats, plasma TVs and vacuum cleaners. Good advice, but condoms and toilet paper would have been at the top of my list.

   [+[__] :] <- Like my Gameboy?

   Westboro Batist Church founder dead!!!! Who's up for a funeral protest?!?!?!

   Transformation Tuesday! Throwback Thursday! Flashback Friday! Never underestimate a woman's ability to find a reason to post a selfie.

   Whew!!.. just in time ... I got all my Christmas shopping done with one fell swoop... I hope everyone enjoys their Netflicks trial offers :)

   wondering what the weather's like in India. I think i'll call AT&T.

   accidentally burnt dinner.. probably a good thing I'm dressed like witch for everytime I open the door, smoke from inside the house comes out and the little kids thinks it's cool

   If it's your birthday in November, then you know your parents really enjoyed Valentine's Day.

   well, the weather outside's delight-fulllll but my account? it's veeeeeeryyyy frightful!! what happened to all my dough??? I DUNNO, I DUNNO I DUNNOOOOOOH !!

   [white house staff meeting] Obama: Any questions?.. *Biden raises hand* Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe... *Biden returns to coloring book*

   A Foolish Man tells a Woman to "Shut Da Hell Up", but a Wise Man tells Her That her Mouth is Extremely Beautiful When Her Lips are Closed.