Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   1-2 Freddy's coming for you... ---oh wait! wrong movie! Happy Friday the 13th!

   Insomnia: its when you spend your whole night thinking about the next day, days passed, and days to come, and when your out of bed the next day, all you can think about is the bed, the pillow and how to sleep!!

   The oil spill is getting bad. There is so much oil and tar now in the Gulf of Mexico, Cubans can now walk to Miami

   I could be an Olympics commentator because I'm good at pointing and saying, "You can tell she wants it."

   My mom is so bad at texting. She meant to say "I love you" and she accidentally sent "You're a huge disappointment"... lol parents can't text

   E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.

   If I ever opened up a nail salon, I would definitely name it "Handjobs".

   A coworker wouldn't stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.

   I don't know what everyone's complaining about. The economy looks great from my parents' basement.

   What's worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?

   Next time I see a car with like, 90 stick children on it,I am taping a condom to the window.

   It’s only every seven years that you get to celebrate Taco Tuesday and Cinco De Mayo on the same day.

   My 6 year old asked me what it was like to be married so I ignored him for a week and then yelled at him for something he did when he was 3.

   "Mounting debt" sounds way sexier than it is.

   Trigger Warning: if someone's free speech offends you, maybe the United States is not the country for you....

   I don't just say crazy things on the internet, I do that in real life too.

   You had me at tubes tied.

   There are dogs that can detect cancer, find missing people, detect bombs, etc. My dog rolls around in other animals feces.

   “In life we all have an unspeakable secret, and irreversible regret, an unreachable dream, and an unforgettable love.” 

   My phone number is 1 digit away from a local pizza place. I still take people's orders, because I hate people who can't use a phone properly.