Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

   Thinks my OCD is getting worse. Did I hit post? Wait a minute , did I even type it yet? I'm pretty sure I hit post but am not sure. Yeah, I did. Well, maybe I didn't. I better double-check. Yeah, I did. No, I didn't. Dang!!! What was I going to post again

   Let love come to you, be patient. In fairy tales they don't find each other until the last page :)

   The most tedious part of being an Afghani phone sex operator is describing what I'm wearing.

   Dear 5 Hour Energy, What in the HELL is your idea of this flavor you call "berry?" Dingle?!

   I'm thinking comic-con might be the place to look for Bin Laden this week. Easy to find 72 virgins there...

   Twice already today I have warned my co-workers that I was on the verge of going "JetBlue flight attendant." It's the new "going postal."

   I've been told my posts are too depressing but what does it matter. We'll all be dead soon anyway.

   That moment when you think you know somebody then they pull out an entirely new bag of stupid.

   I woke up this morning and said to my wife 'that was amazing last night, we're you faking it?' , 'No' she replied 'I really was asleep!'

   FUN FACT: People who use the phrase "winner winner chicken dinner" got their education at the University of Pheonix

   I just rap battled with my 5 year old and rhymed "take a nap" with "piece of crap" so don't tell me about your parenting skills.

   Actress Elizabeth Olsen recently said it doesn't hurt your career to appear nude on screen. You listening, Megan Fox?

   Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I'll have to turn to Facebook.

   Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn't trust with a Glo-Stick Day.

   Autocorrect is really starting to irrigate me!

   The number of things that are *NOT* rocket science is staggering.

   A company has announced a new service where you carpool with strangers. It's a new cutting-edge technology called "taking the bus."

   Suddenly my prison fantasy football league just got real.

   Breaking News: NFL is going to investigate the Falcons for Domestic Violence against the Bucs...