Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Ex went to her Dr.'s looking for something to treat headaches... He gave her some pills and said to give one to everyone she meets.

   The reason we give kids middle names is so they can tell when they're really in trouble.

   If you can make just ONE person smile, then you're probably a really bad comedian.

   I'm not a Hater. I'm a Cultural Critic. Its a difference.

   google. type the words "why does my poop" and let google magic fill in the laughs with the suggested questions

   Dear Women, We don't know what we're thinking, so please stop asking us that. Love, Men

   It's time to stop making the same old mistakes in your life. Get creative. Make some new ones.

   There aren't many passengers on this train of thought.

   The only way I would honestly be able to say you are "hot" is if you were set on fire.

   so nice to see that the ex g/f who said I would never amount to anything just take my order at Taco Bell

   The best love is the one that makes you a better person, without changing you into someone other than yourself.

   Sometimes you just see a post and think, "Yup it's your own fault."

   Be Yourself, Because you never know who would love the person you hide

   Facebook needs to add a maybe button for friend requests, some people deserve to wait for a decision to be made.

   If aliens learn about us from our TV broadcasts then they'll come here expecting 90% of the population to work in hospitals or be in law enforcement.

   I wish my teachers graded my papers drunk.

   Don't get me wrong. I totally hear what you're saying...I just don't care.

   Gotta love the commercials for medications. The side effects of the meds are usually worse than the symptoms. For example, I have an itchy leg. "try dexalog: symptoms may include: hair loss, weight gain, growing an extra head, skin to disintegrate..."

   Seriously mad that Youtube sold out... Now I have to watch a 30 second ad about "herpies medication" before I watch a 20 second clip about "feels better without a condom"..

   You re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster