Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   i feel bad when I see strangers with their zipper down I want to tell them but I feel I would be inviting danger into my life

   told the dog it is weird that he follows me into the bathroom all the time. So he walked out. Now I'm weirded out that he understands English.

   just had a moment of clarity...now i'm just waiting on the moment of give a sh!t to kick in to see what happens...

   I was a mess when she left again...tears flowing, snot running, skin burning...I have GOT to stop buying her pepper spray....

   Catching a yellow-jacket in your shirt at seventy miles per hour can double your vocabulary.

   has a new drinking game. Everytime a politician whines and/or blames the other party for something, take a shot.. Because politicains are a bunch of overgrown can-do-no-wrong crybabies with major control issues.. . I htihnk I tis a afgoodo gfame

   ..New Year's Resolution: Drink More. Fall Down Less. She'll put that to the test tonight.

   this is an apology to one of my friends-a Cowboys fan!I do realise you are a true fan and you were explaining their talents -but when I said I hadn't seen a Cowboy choke like that since Brokeback Mountain - I was being sincere!!

   I'm spending a year dead for tax reasons

   can see through your clothes. Mood: disappointed.

   On the road to my Happy Place. Too bad it is jammed with traffic.

   When I was a kid people who wore there hat crooked, pants half off, and shoes untied rode the short bus

   My friend was going to let me borrow her Escalade but I didn't want people to think I was on welfare.

   I love when my friends lock their keys in their car... And then call me like I can do something about it.. Just because I'm black doenst mean I know how to break into cars!

   The worst part about the end of February is having to take down all my Black History Month decorations

   Just putting it out there, most Americans, myself included, don't like Our governments involvement in other countries either. Don't hate the American people, it's our governments doing, not ours.

   in order to disburse the crowd in Ferguson police dropped job applications from the policehelicopters

   I know it's warm outside and spring is in the air BUT if you haven't worked out this winter, please don't dress like it. I see ladies walking around with half shirts looking like half opened cans of biscuits.

   Facebook does NOT ruin relationships. Relationships ruin Facebook.

   Tom Brady should be forced to spend those 4 games at a Children's Hospital blowing up balloon animals.