Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Nothing says 'I hope you choke on this and die' like the gift of a fruitcake

   I wonder what happened and at what point a youngster decides, "When I grow up, I'm going to be a proctologist".

   just found out that a "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second. Apparently, I'm not getting ready in a "jiffy" any more.

   To make a long story short...I walk away.

   don't put words in my mouth...my foot is already in there.

   My Dr, told me you are what you eat. I need to eat a skinny person.

   You know someone's ugly when it's time for a group photo & they hand them the camera..

   I can't remember the last time I had amnesia this bad.

   I'm thinking when they say,, "Instant Credit",, I think they really mean,, "Instant Debt".

   It;s amazing how many people respond to "Hey Dumbass!"

   According to my shattered iPhone screen, I had a pretty awesome weekend.

   Some kids think they are so smart when they get behind a computer... Bi$ch, I have email accounts older than you.

   The guy that invented caller ID should win a Nobel peace prize. Think about many marriages and jobs that invention has actually saved

   Biologically speaking, the human body requires certain things to work in order to make a baby. Unfortunately a brain isn't one of them.

   If Crazy was contagious,...you'd definetely catch it at my house.

   I love how these photoshop models think they have "fans." Let's be realistic. Most of those people are not your fans, they just want to get you in bed.

   I don't got much to do today, I suppose I should do something productive. I'll probably go on ahead and pre-cook this 13lbs of bacon in my fridge. You know... In case of emergency

   If being drunk before 3pm on a Friday is wrong, I never want to be right.

   Coffee is just something I use to convince myself I will have a productive morning

   Instagram … because our attention spans can't even handle 140 characters anymore.