Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm going to clean my house today and by clean I mean I'm drinking vodka and spraying Febreze everywhere.

   Went to a nudest camp once and all I could think was.. these are the people you see dressed in Wal-Mart that you don't want to see naked. . .

   I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding, driving Kia's all around town. No wait..... Hamsters, I hate hamsters

   Hmmm, I think I'm going to hand out bottles of 5 hour energy instead of candy this year.

   Sometimes I'm really smart and other times, I'm here scrounging for stuff to p0st..

   Well played, anti-theft hotel hangers. But I took the rod too. Your move.

   Where's B.lack Lives M@tter when 6 kids in Chicago get shot by other Black kids? Deserves an honest answer ... right?

   My father taught me that Respect was something that had to be earned ..... So I'm still trying to figure out how looting and burning other peoples stuff is supposed to build respect for your cause.

   Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?

   If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.

   It's actually the voices outside my head that bothers me the most.

   Hold on I'm about to count my money. Alright I'm done.

   When is National Slap a Co-worker Day? Please say tomorrow

   Hi, you've reached my voicemail. Please leave a message that I'll ignore until you text me like a normal person. Thanks

   Yea, the Duggars. You spit out that many kids, 1 or 2 are bound to be defective.

   Sequel Idea: Fresh Prince of Bel Aire 2 - A privledged kid from Bel-Aire is sent to live in West Philly to be given a hard dose of reality. Starring Jaden Smith.

   If I were a hooker, I'd definitely market myself as "roadside assistance".

   Girl logic: If I just ignore him he'll leave me alone. Guy logic: She hasn't told me to f*ck off yet so she must be interested.

   A group of girls with a selfie stick is called a travesty.

   And then her mood ring just...exploded.