Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm convinced these mosquitoes are on bath salts.....

   Just going through my old FB statuses & deleting the ones no one liked so I don't look lame.

   This girl says she wants to butter my muffin.. I don't even know what that means but now I'm hungry.

   I took one of my husband's vitamins this morning if anybody wants to go to Hooters or ask my opinion on golf, call me.

   I love Facebook, it makes me feel kinda normal after reading about all of YOUR problems. Thanks people, and thank you Facebook...

   Sometimes you sit in class and listen to the conversations around you and realize you are the smartest person in the room.

   I can move things with my mind. Like, my arms.

   Black Friday... America's version of "Running of the bulls!"

   I think there is one thing both genders can agree on, neither one want Justin Bieber in their gender.

   Lil Wayne = 5% Black 95% Tattoos.

   What the heck do you mean a can of Pringles is not considered ONE serving??!!

   jus saw a midget pushin a shopping cart.. every item they put in their basket was a slam dunk

   Dear 12 year old on Facebook, how are you in a complicated relationship? Did someone steal your cookies?

   The first time a man sees a woman naked is like a child seeing a present on Christmas morning.

   I appreciate the transparency Domino's pizza tracker provides, but updates like "Carl dropped your pizza" & "5 second rule" are a bit much.

   Thinking about taking a Carnival Cruise, but I can't decide which excursion to go on....... the one where the ship rolls over and you drown, and one where you get towed thru pirate infested waters, or the one where you get the bird flu. Fun, fun, fun

   BRO TIP: Dude, not everyone getting gas at the Chevron needs to hear 10 minutes of Lil' Boosie at 85 decibels with your windows down while you're inside waiting in line to buy your Red Bull and Slim Jim. Don't be that guy, bro.

   Whenever you're feeling down, remember, you're the sperm that won.

   9 year old: Dad, did you know that in some cultures the groom doesn't even know the bride until after they're married..... Me: That's every culture son.

   I haven't seen one medal awarded at the Olympics for participation.