Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Irish:Tabhair dom an rud céanna mar atá ag an fhear ar an t-úrlar! English:Give me the same as the man on the floor!

   A keyring is a handy little gadget that let's you lose all your keys at once

   doing laundry. nothing says "I love you" like clean underwear.

   If you don't care where you are then your not lost.

   My imaginary friend Dan is a terrible wingman.

   Relationships don't need promises, terms, and conditions. It just needs two wonderful people; one who can trust and one who can understand.

   Ronald McDonald has to retire because he is making kids fat? Really? So kids are driving themselves to McDonald's now?

   OMG.... at 3pm, 6pm in the east I felt this horrible shaking and noise and thought, OH NO AHHHH..IT'S TIME...WTH!!!. Then I realized it was the washing machine out of balance.

   Just denied 47 requests to play FarmVille, apparently I need new friends.

   When I hear you say: "We need to work together." What I hear is you saying" "I'm not smart enough to complete this task."

   Errant 'Rapture' Prophet Harold Camping Suffers a Stroke..guess he didnt see that one coming.

   Ever look at your ex while thinking "was I drunk for our whole relationship?

   I've had to cancel my impotence clinic appointment. Something's come up.

   It's not that I don't trust you, I just have a strong belief in your ability to f*ck up!

   When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should've listened the first time.

   She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of 10 said their place.

   Useless people are the worst complainers

   The first time sleeping over a girl's place is always awkward 'cause I have to explain who I am, how I got in, & why I'm crying...still single

   Why is my local porn store having a “Back to School” sale?

   Unlucky people are those who break their nose even when they fall backwards.