Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   More coffee, less people please.

   What's it called when you always have a sweet tooth, but it's only for booze?

   Introverts have fun too, we just don't care if you know...

   I forgot my phone when I went to the bathroom. I think that counts as camping.

   Hey self-appointed MILFs, easy does it. We'll let you know.

   Disappointment usually stems from expecting too much from strangers on Facebook.

   Borrow five dollars from a woman and they will forget. Borrow a piece of Tupperware from a woman and they will hunt you down to every corner of the planet.

   You know you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night

   WoW! Sit-Downs are way easier than Sit-Ups!

   I was in a taxi on my way to work this morning when the driver said "I love my job. I'm my own boss and nobody tells me what to do!" I said "That's really great, now take a left here."

   Riots will restart when they all figure out the liquor store they rioted last night is closed.

   Given the age of the average facebook user is steadily increasing, it's no wonder their new look would include large print and big pictures...

   Hey Social media newbies, remember if you try really hard and excel at this, in a couple years, you too can turn it into a source of no income.

   Odd how all the 'intelligent life finding instruments' are pointed away from earth.

   2 cops walk into a bar... I don't know what happened after that. I got the f cuk out of there.

   I'm a bad multitasker and even a questionable monotasker

   Come on. Let's all go and be happy in front of some miserable people

   Can we just make everything battery-related run on AA batteries?

   Headed to Lowe's. After what I just did in the bathroom, it's best we just build another one.

   Forecast tonight: Dark