Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   when more people get silent electric cars pokemon go becomes a different game!

   They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.

   You know that look women get when they want sex? Me neither

   Lead singers, don't hold the mic out and ask us to sing the chorus. We paid money to watch you do that.

   Taco Bell is human Drano

   Excuse me while I throw on this fake smile and plow through this sh*t one more day.

   It's funny how enemies stick around longer than friends do.

   Today's agenda: get out of bed fast enough to see my body imprint in the memory foam matress before it disappears.

   Just once I would like to hear a rapper say that he is pretty average with the rhymes.

   Insecurity is an ugly thing, it makes you hate people that you don't even know...

   You cannot have a Zen garden with the little rake and sand if you also have a cat. Trust me.

   heading out early to siphon gas from my neighbors......

   Facebook is like school. There's the cool kids, the intellectual rebels, and there's always a rumor going on.

   Alcohol doesn't cause Hangovers...Waking up does...

   It's not really such an "Easy-Bake" oven when you're trying to cook a pot roast. This is taking *forever*.

   I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.

   I Absolutely hate when my touch screen touches things I had no intention of touching.

   What I love most about my ex is that she is someone else's problem now.

   It's up to you to find the beauty in the ugliest day.

   My parents told me I couldn't be a pirate when I grew up. My movie and music collection says otherwise.