Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They should invent an alarm clock that if I press snooze more than three times, it automatically calls in sick for me.

   It's funny how the Chinese are competing to win back medals they probably made a month ago!

   I bet that caveman was like "I'll teach my wife how to talk, what could possibly go wrong?"

   Everyday is a constant struggle to not give in and finally taste one of the dogs Beggin' Strips.

   I don't understand why it's called a Chastity Belt. Everyone I know named Chastity is a stripper.

   Anyone else pretend to work all day while thinking about big boobs instead?

   fee fee fi fee fi fo fum. Mike Tysons cell phone number.

   Its Friend Deletion Day.... Any Volunteers???????

   I'm pretty sure if I washed my face like the girls on face wash commercials, my roommates would be really pissed about the puddles all over the bathroom floor.

   What do Edward Cullen and a Christmas tree have in common? Their tiny balls sparkle.

   OH NO! I'm sorry. I thought it was lime that heals all wounds. That must really sting.

   If your phone doesn't ring, you'll know it's me.

   They found the gene that causes shyness. They would have found it sooner, but it was hiding behind some other genes.

   So these ads for medicine are really confusing me.... They now have this creme that helps your eye lashes grow... but the side effects are blindness and black eye lids...so your saying I'll be blind with two black eyes but I'll have long eyelashes??...I'

   An auto-flush urinal made me feel insecure about my manhood by flushing while I was peeing, as if to say "nothing registers as being there."

   What the hell are you supposed to do while the whole room is singing you happy birthday. Just smile? sing along? dance?

   Thank you Facebook for reminding me of my anniversary. Please feel free to torment me with reminders of all of my other poor life decisions while you're at it....

   When in doubt, make the jerk-off hand motion.

   Hey Facebook, is it possible to cram a few more ads on my "new" profile page?

   All I want for Christmas is the charges dropped.