Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mom trying to play Call of Duty, and she thinks the Kill Cam is her killing someone. Getting tired of hearing "I GOT ONE!".....every 5 seconds...

   i asked God to protect me from my enemines. Then all of a sudden I started losing "friends".

   My mom isn't too good with computers, so I like to leave a screenshot of the Google home page open and then watch her lose her damn mind.

   At school we learn that the sun rises in the east but in fact, the sun neither rises nor sets. Only earth rotates. Education spoils our common sense sometimes.

   Congress has racked up a reported $15,000 in unpaid parking and traffic tickets. Apparently they are as good at driving their cars as they are in steering the country right over the cliff.

   Drunk people run stop signs. High people wait for them to turn green.

   Don't make me go all CAPS LOCKS on you...

   save a tree...eat a beaver

   Remember that whole "Look both ways before crossing the street" thing? Well that also applies to picking your nose at a stop light. I just got totally busted when I looked at the guy on my right, pointing at me and laughing...

   Now I have to shop for Bin Ladin free tuna.

   Charlie Sheen has been giving people advice on sobriety. Hmm, that's kind of like Tiger woods or Jessie James giving advice on how to be a good husband.

   My grandma thinks the ipod shuffle is a dance move.

   I've come to realize that there is not much difference between paying for an evening out, and just leaving the money on the nightstand...unless you're hungry of course...

   If I were you, I'd get a helmet and some crayon's and call it a day..

   Why is that you can always read a doctor's bill but never his prescription?

   Your cellphone is practically glued to your palms but the minute I call, you all of a sudden had your phone in your purse?

   house shoes...check....pajama bottoms...check....tank tops with no bra....check....Yep, I'm at Wal-Mart!

   The 6 LEAST POPULAR Nursing Home Games:6 Simon says Something Incoherent 5.Pin the Toupee on Baldy 4. Hide and Go Pee 3. Musical Dentures 2. Red Rover, Red Rover, the Nurse Says Bend Over 1 And of course Kick the Bucket.

   I can act my age just fine, until you say something like "penal code".

   The days of good grammar has went.