Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   To My Ex: It's not that I didn't like sex; I just realized it was a lot more enjoyable by myself than with you.

   The Dr. who had examined my wife when she was rushed to the Emergency Room, pulled me aside and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' I said 'Me neither doc,' ......'But she's a great cook and good with the kids.'

   There are other things in life besides sex and alcohol. Those other things all suck, but they do exist, I assume.

   Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective

   So do you think in the future we will see marijuana commercials on TV? It might bring back the slogan "This bud's for you".

   Who's up for some curling in my driveway?

   "His heart wasn't the only thing that was 2 sizes too small." .............. * Mrs. Grinch

   Just got an Oscar nomination for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"

   Comcast complains to the better business bureau....isn't it ironic....don't ya think?

   I don't get it. I've been thinking a lot about eating less and exercising more, yet somehow I still gain weight.

   I wonder if the lady that takes your drivers license picture at the DMV takes selfies when no one is watching...

   Forget the universe, think of how insignificant you are on Facebook.

   She died doing what she loved! Telling me how to drive.

   If you use a Wal-Mart bathroom there's no need to wash your hands... You're going to die anyway.

   I bet spongebob will get his license before Taylor Swift finds love.

   Coffee is just a hug for your insides.

   Fred Durst is directing a commercial for the dating site eHarmony. If he doesn't use the slogan "Do It For The Nookie" I will be highly disappointed.

   If you walk a mile in my shoes, you'll end up at the bar...

   I accidentally touched my wife's boob and she didn't recoil in disgust so things are looking up.

   I don't mind when others use my gun for target practice...it's always nice to have a second set of finger prints on a gun.