Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Happy Halloween... may all of your skeletons stay in the closet where they belong! ;-)

   Rob ford is the real life Mayor Quimby.

   Sometimes I just go to work for the free internet.

   "His heart wasn't the only thing that was 2 sizes too small." .............. * Mrs. Grinch

   Just got an Oscar nomination for my role as "man surprised his credit card was declined"

   Comcast complains to the better business bureau....isn't it ironic....don't ya think?

   I don't get it. I've been thinking a lot about eating less and exercising more, yet somehow I still gain weight.

   There's a ninja knocking at my front door,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, He must be new at this..

   Actually, I can believe it's not butter...

   I had to complain to my neighbor again about her sunbathing while I am NOT at home

   I just figured out what it is I say to people to get them to tell me their innermost, messed-up thoughts: "Hi."

   My mind not only wanders, sometimes it leaves completely.

   That moment when you get a sweet text & you just sit there smiling at your screen like a weirdo.

   Everything seems louder when you're trying not to wake your parents

   The drinking will continue until the economy improves

   During 2011, I was always drunk, crude, rude and flirtatious; just want you know that in 2012 you can expect exactly the same behavior.

   Come to the nerd side.. we have Pi.

   I think I invented some new kama sutra moves trying to reach the remote without getting up.

   People say, "You have to work on a marriage." I say, “No thank you. I already have a job.”

   The "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" theme caused me to start a lot of fights hoping I'd be shipped off to rich relatives.