Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   First woman on Moon: -Huston, we have a problem? What? -Never mind What's the problem? -Nothing Please tell us? -You know what's the problem

   Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I'm stalking you" was much funnier in my head.

   The ability to get Pregnant is a Genetic trait. Scientific evidence shows that if your Parents never had any Children then neither will you...

   Better to be slapped with the truth than kissed with a lie

   I wear gasoline for cologne because women love the smell of money.

   How does anything EVER get done at the bubble wrap factory??.....??

   I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said that I had the biggest pen$s she had ever laid her hands on. I said "You're pulling my leg"

   Who wants to go to walmart and show off our teeth?

   I have a pornographic memory... Go ahead and get naked, I'll remember you.

   Why do people complain about how broke/poor they are sitting at the bar drinking beer and smoking cigarettes?

   There are good status updates, then there are bad status updates ... then there's 50 feet of crap, then there's mine.

   Blessed are the young, For they shall inherit the National debt.

   I don't regret my past I just regret the time I've wasted with the wrong people!

   I saw two kids today texting each other on their cell phones while standing maybe two feet away from each other. Dear Future: I'm sorry.

   Dear ladies: We are not that hard to find. We are in the friend zone, right where you left us. Sincerely, The nice guys.

   Hello, this is OnStar Mr Gadaffi. We noticed that your car is not moving, is everything OK? ..... Hello,...Hello?

   Breast awareness month: we stare because we care

   I just seen a video of Miley Cyrus singing "Smells Like Teen Spirit" on YouTube... As if a shotgun to the face wasn't tragic enough for Nirvana.

   My office Christmas party is tonight, which means my office apology party will be tomorrow.

   I'm giving up my new year's resolution for lent