Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Danica Patrick's dad is probably the first father in history that's happy to see his daughter on the pole.

   My boss just informed me that a birthday is not a legitimate excuse to start drinking at 8am.

   There is nothing more annoying than a couple who just got back from Hawaii.

   If you're a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?

   the first snow of spring is always the most beautiful

   We all have at least one of those creepy friends who are sure to comment on a facebook post/status when they see a female comment first...

   Is it necessary for every office-building stairwell to look like a Law & Order crime scene?

   people who text hey and then say nothing after you respond are seriously demented

   Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people.

   Misery loves company. And bars, and drinking, and drugs, and barely consensual rough sex with strangers. Misery has all the fun.

   If you both of you can just sit together, chill and talk for more than 10minutes without checking your phones, you have just found your soul mate.

   I'm making money in my spare time by working.

   Like most parents, my wife and I love to proudly watch our beautiful little daughter whilst she sleeps... It does seem to freak out our son-in-law though

   If my wife ever has sex with someone else I'll hunt that man down and then ask him his secret.

   I don't have ADHD. I have ADOLS. Attention deficit..OH LOOK! Skittles!

   I just put a childproof lock on my liquor cabinet. No, I don't have any kids... I just installed it to remind myself of what it can lead to.

   Not to be too braggy but I can put 72 m&m's in my mouth at once.. One went down my windpipe and I'm on my way to the ER now,,,,, but still.

   Mayans are the main reason why I have trust issues >=(

   There is no "we" in chocolate.

   Today, I heard on the radio that Lucasfilm was working on a movie featuring Yoda. Can you imagine writing 90 minutes of dialog for Yoda? Insane the writers will be going.