Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   saving money on her cable by switching to facebook. They have sports statuses, drama statuses, Hollywood gossip statuses and current event statuses. Switch now and get calander statuses for free, you"ll never have to wonder what day it is again.

   Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die...

   You ever wonder what the person on the other side of the mirror is wondering about you?

   became a fan of not becoming a fan of everything on facebook.

   Things happen for a reason... so when I reach over and smack you upside the head just remember..you gave me a reason!!!

   Heidi and Spencer have decided to change their names to something more native american WTF? She chose white wolf, he chose running bear. What?" was "Plastic Robot" and "mighty douche" already taken?

   Remember when it was rude to be with one person while talking to another on the phone?Now we text with five or six other people at once while pretending to pay attention to the one person we're physically next to

   If a wolf can take down a deer from either flank, does that make him bambidextrous?

   If you want bright eyed and bushy tailed, go chase a squirrel!

   Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

   There are two kinds of friends : those who are around when you need them, and those who are around when they need you.

   i didn't really change.. I just got tired of pretending..

   At least once a week, everyone should bike to work, so there will be less traffic for me.

   How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?

   You're never too old to learn something stupid.

   I think that some of the people I see in Wal Mart shouldn't be allowed to leave Wal Mart.

   I love when you say something that is just dripping with sarcasm and people still can't figure it out.

   Please leave your ego at the door so other people can wipe their feet on it before entering.

   This morning I was standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I'm going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”

   Not feeling pain does not make you strong. Strength comes from feeling pain, dealing with it, getting over it and moving on.