Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've decided to get in shape. The shape will be “potato”.

   The wife and I just sat in a hot car and bickered for six hours. It was the same as going on vacation except we saved $1000.

   I finally saw my 1st Porn the other day,wow I just can't get over how young I looked back then !!

   Doctors write the prescriptions illegibly so you can't see that it says: “This one had insurance. Don't kill him.”

   Bringing babies on a 7 hours flight should not be allowed.

   Hard work never kills anybody who supervises it.

   A back-up plan means your plan sucks.

   On C.N.N. morning news there has been a study conducted that claims that teens that have sex do not always get bad grades. Bet this is especially true if they are having sex with their teachers.

   Let's make fake tan orange people an official race so we can discriminate against them properly.

   My girlfriend and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

   Ladies: In order for you to find that prince charming, you must first be a princess yourself.

   The 3 stages of love and relationship: 1. Anywhere sex, fairly self explanatory. 2. Bedroom sex, it only happens here and at night if you aren't too tired 3. Hall Sex, where you walk past each other in the hall and yell "Screw You!"

   My tattoos pretty much ALL mean the same thing.... I had money to blow.

   My legs are so white, they just applied for a job at whole foods

   During sex it's perfectly fine to say "yeah", "yes", and "oh yes" but how awkward would it be if someone kept screaming "yep"

   I'm old enough to remember when having a long cord on the home phone was privacy.

   I just found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock,,,, people expect less of you.

   still wonders why my friends in high school all had those plastic film containers and no one owned a camera?

   My boss asked if I had any special skills so I put my hand under my armpit to make fart sounds. We laughed and now I'm clearing out my desk

   Horror movies don't scare me. Five missed calls from my mother scares me.