Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   getting 3 inches of snow per hour. My front yard looks like Charlie Sheen's coffee table.

   Getting 3 inches of snow per hour. My front yard looks like Charlie Sheen's coffee table.

   I tried to join the X Men, but they turned me down. Apparently they don't consider being able to burp out the theme song from Family guy to be a real superpower

   would like to remind any unhappy souls today that St Valentine was beaten to death with clubs

   Somethings are best unsaid but my brain to mouth filter has never worked right

   Looks like we have an idiot on the lose today. Disregards those meaningless statuses.

   Even Popeye didn't eat his spinach until he absolutely had to

   The squiggly red lines you get when typing in Word documents are your computer's allergic reaction to dumb.

   You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life.

   thinks his GPS has dyslexia....I typed in "Macy's" and it took me to the YMCA!

   Love is standing on wet cement. The longer you stay, the harder it is to leave and you can never let go without leaving your footprints.

   My plan to impress people with big words has failed egregiously.

   *sends text message* *gets a reply 45min later* "Oh so it's like that? Ok, then I'm gonna take twice as long to text back!"

   Dr. Suess should have been a rapper.

   The only time I've ever had a chip on my shoulder was when I tried to dump the entire bag into my mouth at once.

   The reason men lie is because women ask so many questions.

   Get her Dexter!

   Next time someone calls you a disappointment, remind them everyone is great at something and you just happen to excel at disappointing.

   Tequila is the Clear History button of my brain

   When I see some people on Twitter/Facebook, then see them in person, I realize, ohhhh they use the new skin cream called Adobe Photoshop.