Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The NFL has hired their first female referee... She will throw flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.

   There was a piece of cake in the fridge with a 'Don't eat me' note on it. Now there's an empty plate with a 'I don't take orders from cake' note on it.

   when you focus on problems, you will have more problems. When you focus on possibilities, you will have more opportunities.

   Kate plus eight is being cancelled, I think we can all together say eight times....thank God!

   My family loves the Patriot Gaurd Motercycle Riders who shielded us at my nephews military funeral. At the next military funeral I want to also invite the Hell's Angels to give the same love to those protesting hatemongers that they give to others.

   A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, "Have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?" "Yeah," the other cow says. "Makes me glad I'm a penguin."

   Great minds think alike but dirty minds work together. ;)

   Saw a guy return a wedding set at Walmart today and get his $36 back. I'm guessing her answer was, "No."

   If I truly posted what was on my mind........I'd most likely be in a psychiatric hospital right now! Enough said

   No man knows more about women than I do, and I know nothing.

   The best way to win an argument is to play dead.

   Even a fish can escape being caught, if it keeps it's mouth shut.

   Jim Morrison was right: People ARE strange.

   This whole being a responsible adult thing sucks.

   Drinking & driving is extremely dangerous. Yesterday evening while driving, I stuck my arm out of the window to indicate right turn and someone stole my beer...

   Two guys are in a gym locker room, one is putting on lace thong. "Since when do you wear women's thongs?" "Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

   LIKE if you text someone a paragraph and then 30 minutes later you get a damn lame reply saying "LOL".

   It's Thursday, which is "Friday Eve" in Optimisian.

   I love that little thing that you do...You know, the one where you leave.

   As I've grown older I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible! But pissing everyone off...that's a piece of cake!!!