life Funny Status Messages

   I've spent approximately 2% of my life walking back to the trash can and checking the box to see how long I need to microwave my food.

   Dear anonymous teenager in Starbucks ... If your first phone cost more than your parents' first car, your life probably doesn't suck as much as you think.

   May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.

   If my absence doesn't alter your life, then my presence has no meaning in it.

   Somewhere, someone is thinking about you and the impact you made in their life.... It's not me, I think you're a prick.

   My 13yo just dumped his girlfriend and now he's attempting to get his hoodie back. He's in for one hell of a life lesson.

   The majority of life's greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.

   Some people just don't get it. If you're not happy being single, you'll never be happy in a relationship. GET A LIFE FIRST then try to share it

   WELCOME TO FACEBOOK, the place where relationships are perfect, liars believe they are telling the truth, & the WORLD shows off they are living a great life; where your ENEMIES are the ones that visit your profile the most, your FRIENDS & FAMILY block you

   Sucking on a woman's nipples helps prevent breast cancer. Make sure you know the woman, cops don't care if you were trying to save her life.

   ‎7-11 is developing a new wine.. It's said to pair well with poor life choices and sadness

   When Life knocks you down, calmly get back up, smile, and say "You hit like a bit$h."

   I can't recall one time in my entire life that I've answered a phone call from a "restricted" number and then said, "Wow, I'm glad I answered that"

   Never say "maybe" to a kid. All they hear is "I swear on my life that this will definitely happen."

   Pabst got its blue ribbon in 1893 for being voted best beer. Further proving that life in 1893 sucked pretty damn hard.

   Scientists plan to clone a woolly mammoth and bring the prehistoric creature back to life. I sure don't see what could go wrong there.

   I've spent at least 15% of my life pulling a chain & trying to figure out if the ceiling fan is speeding up or slowing down.

   My wife and I have are talking about renewing our vows. Or as I like to call it, getting a double life sentence.

   Twitter account ✔ Facebook ✔ Google Plus ✔ Youtube ✔ Messenger✔ Skype ✔ "Dude do you have a life?" "OMG!! No, send me the link!" :P

   I just balanced my checking account, and discovered that I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something or pay a bill.