Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you love someone, set them free. If they come back knocking on your door with two police officers, you'll know that setting them free was a bad idea.

   Thursday Night Football on the same time during the Vice Presidential debate....well played NFL, well played.

   The only reason I run with scissors is because the person I'm trying to stab is usually running too.

   I wish judging other people burned calories!

   Dreamt I went to the gym so, I'm counting that as a workout.

   Just found out my attic is full of cotton candy!!!

   It's always funny until it happens to you.

   I fear the day when our kids would look at old you tube videos of us doing the Harlem Shake and Gangnam Style and think what a retarded generation ours was.

   I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.

   Trying to argue with someone over text is like being italian and having to talk with handcuffs on.

   What a lovely winter, we're having this spring!

   I'm even late for work when I work from home

   Hey ladies who complain about falling in when we leave the toilet seat; how about you first check if the runway is there before you bring the plane down.

   "Done that, done that, done that, done that & that & that" = Me, flipping through 50 Shades Of Grey.

   Breaking News: Miley Cyrus to star in prn movie called "Hannah Does Montana"

   I bet if you look up "dictionary" in the dictionary,, it just says "this."

   Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don't really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don't really mean it.

   Allstate says your rates won't go up if you have an accident. Yeah, because they will cancel your policy!!

   Sleeping naked tonight. I'm leaving this world the same way I entered it. Naked.

   My life is a constant panic attack occasionally interrupted by a nap