santa AND presents AND christmas AND xmas AND holidays AND elfs Funny Status Messages

   Pretty sure I know what my GF is getting me for Christmas. When I guessed, "a threesome?" she got all angry like I'd ruined the surprise.

   I can't decide whether The Nightmare Before Christmas is a Halloween movie or a Christmas movie.

   Dear retail stores. August 21st is too damn early for Christmas decorations. Take them down. Now.

   An office Christmas party is not a good time to ask the boss for a raise. Wait until the next day when you have pictures.

   I'm pretty sure my Internet Explorer “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do.

   If you're genuinely surprised about Kim Kardashian getting divorced, I need to tell you something about Santa Claus...

   ♪ ♫ ♩♩ ♬ On the 12th Day of Christmas my Facebook gave to me, 12 dudes I'm blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, Fiiiiiiiiiiiiive Drama Queeeensssss,

   If a telemarketer calls give the phone to your 3 yr old, and tell them its Santa Clause

   wants a dirty picture of you so I can add it to my Xmas wishlist to send to Santa

   I dont even bother filling out the "From" field on gift tags during xmas. One look at the wrap job, and its VERY obvious.

   ‎5 reasons hurricanes are like Christmas...5) Family & friends out-of state-calling you 4) Last minute shopping in crowded stores 3) Days off from work 2) Candles 1) And at some point you know you're going to have a tree in your house!

   my neighbors put their Christmas decorations up early, so I put my Easter stuff out just to one-up them.

   What nationality is Santa Claus? North Polish!

   Santa calls me a Ho three times when he sees me. Like he knows me or somethin...

   .♫♪♫..it's beginning to cost a lot like Christmas...♫♪♫

   The best thing about partaking in the secret santa at work means I can finally give one special lady the mustache trimmer she so desperately needs.

   I drove by a house today that had about 15 of those inflatable Christmas lawn decorations. In the daytime it looks like there was a drive by shooting in the North Pole and there were no survivors.

   I returned an online purchase and the form said for your security, please use Fedex, UPS, USPS, DHL or Parcel Post. Exactly what other options do they think I'm considering? Horse? Catapult? Helicopter drop? Santa?

   Well lets see for Christmas I bought the iPhone,iPad,iTouch.... now iBroke,iHomeless and iRegret...

   Time to go out and pretend I'm putting up Christmas lights I never took down from last year.