Funny Status Messages

   When you're right, no one remembers. When you're wrong, no one forgets

   Don't get married, find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

   called your boyfriend gay and he hit me back with his purse

   Hey, young parents,,, When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

   Since this is an "S" storm, I think they should have named it Hurricane Snookie since it will be slamming and blowing the entire Jersey Shore

   MTV to Ring in New Year With Ke$ha and 'Jersey Shore' Cast. So if the world ends on the 21st, it will at least spare us that.

   So in America, at 18 you can die at war or be in a porno. But you have to wait another 3 years until you're allowed a beer?

   WTH!!! It's 2 days until Christmas and none of stores have their Valentine's Day stuff displayed.

   I guess since you can't adopt Russian children anymore, you will just have to wait until they are old enough to be a mail order bride.

   WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!.............. "Grandma, that's Niki Minaj."

   My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I'm five." He said, "When I was your age I was six."

   I would unfriend you but I enjoy laughing at your life.

   Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.

   A homeless guy asked me for money today and I thought, sure, he's prolly just gonna spend it on booze and cigarettes. Then I remembered, thats what I was gonna do, so we walked to the store together ツ

   The Seven Dwarfs of Facebook: Drunky, Stoney, Skanky, B!tchy, Lonely, Creepy, Stalky

   Why are doctors so afraid of apples anyway?

   For every idiot proof system devised, a new and improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

   I had an active life, until some idiot came along and introduced me to Facebook.

   Keep it down kids,,,, Daddy is trying to think of something stupid to say on the internet.

   I'm sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist..