Funny Status Messages
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Saying my first day of work in 2013 sure feels like my last day of work in 2012 
You know you had a good night when you go to the bathroom the next morning and get the full effect of all the stool softener you drank...
No one in my office is hitting on me. Seems like it's high time I shave my mustache.
You can forget about me trying to get into your pants, I can barely squeeze into my own!
Manti Teo's girlfriend can lipsync to an autotuned track too
I need to turn whatever it is that allows kids to sleep through anything...like a massive clap of thunder right above the house at 230am...into a pill form for adults. I would be so rich...
LISTEN,, I know I said that I acquired language skills in utero, but perhaps I spoke too soon.
How do we know who really won the Chinese Civil War?
Saw a deaf guy using sign language with someone but then it looked like he started yelling at him, turns out he was just swatting a fly.
I've just heard Fergie has retired, what'll happen to The Black Eyed Peas now?
Can’t wait for when evolution gives women bigger hands, so that they can cuddle with themselves after sex.
Come with me, I know a shortcut.
Kim and Kanye turn to each other, nod, and smile as the baby comes out immediately crying in auto-tune.
Youtube is down so I'll just have to go to Instagram and imagine the cats are moving.
a Genie told me I could have a great memory or an epic Phallus, but for the life of me I can't remember which one I chose...
My neighbors tree fell during the storm last night. Ufortunately for them they will now need to take off their Christmas lights!
It's normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The shaker, ice and Rumple combination is the most common
Trying to get my mom in the Bronx,, to call the hurricane and talk at it until it just gives up and leaves.
Wow, you're sweet in long distance! Maybe a long distance relationship could work.
We do not need psychologist anymore... Just ask: Did you google it? then What do you think? 