life Funny Status Messages

   has learned a lot from dogs: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down (I've really only applied the last to my life, however)

   life is like a roll of toilet paper...the closer it gets to the end> the faster it goes...

   Cut my life into pizza's, this is my plastic fork. Oven baking, heavy breathing, dont give a f**k if it's carbs that I'm eatting;)

   Live once. Regret nothing. Rewrite destiny.. nothing is written in stone. Nothing. Love your life the way you need to, not the way your told too.

   Why do so many people go out of their way to move to our country ..... then complain that they find our way of life offensive.

   Life is like a box of chocolates...I don't think so! Mine is more like a box of hand grenades...pull the wrong pin and everything goes flying!

   Video games ARE to blame for the amount of violence in society. I'm not even comfortable talking about the amount of real life turtles I've jumped on.

   Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid.

   The kid from Two and a Half Men looks more like Natalie from the Facts of Life everyday.

   Forrest Gump taught us a strange life lesson: Be completely unaware of all success you've achieved and you'll own 50% of a billion dollar shrimpin' company.

   life is better when you decide you dont care

   Donald Sterling is like 80 so banned for life is really like banned for 5 years……..

   My pre-nup will indicate that I'm allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

   Renewing your wedding vows is like agreeing on a double life sentence to prison.

   Dance like nobody's watching. Sing like nobody's listening. Post like your life is marginally more interesting than it is in actuality.

   For every time a woman replies "fine" to you, you lose a day off your life.

   The words that make you remember every bad thing you've ever done in your life = "I need to talk to you."

   imagine how hard life would be if we weren't water proof

   I really think my life would be a lot better if my fitness app would just lower its standards

   My parents thought they were naming me something unique, but really they just signed me up for a life with a misspelled, mispronounced, never gonna find it on a Coke bottle name.