Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When someone you love walks away, they take your entire world with them.

   "Mommy, since I can't have that NIH clinical trial to cure my cancer, as a dying wish, can we go see the Grand Canyon?"

   BREAKING NEWS: The pilot of the missing Malaysian plane was known to go by the name Waldo.

   trying to think of good booger jokes, but it snot working.

   It's annoying that I don't understand all these Call of Duty or Lord of the Rings jokes. Then I remember, I have a girlfriend.

   Have you ever just stopped and thought... "I was once inside my father's balls" ( ._. )

   I don't understand why male paedophiles, who likes male children, don't consider themselves gay.

   I don't believe the BS about GMO'S being bad for you ! I just had a leg of Salmon and it was delicious .

   I tried everything last night to get the baby to sleep.Finally after 5 bottles he went down.He's going to have a bad hangover!!

   You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

   What's the definition of a will? (Come on, it's a dead giveaway!)

   Pump Up The Volume ιllιιllιlιllιιllιlιllιιllιlιllιιllιlιllιιllιlι

   Just got a new dog..Named him " Stay " Freaks all our friends out when we say" Come Here...Stay "

   Why do people think Memento is so much better than Dude Where's My Car? They are basically the same movie.

   a few days ago, started using a new deodorant. The instructions read, "remove cap and push up bottom". Now he can barely walk, but when he breaks wind, the room smells awesome.

   Z is the last letter in the alphabet because it overslept.

   WOOHOO!!!! IT'S FRIDAY!!!!! Wait a damn minute, I'm working 7 10's, every day is a god damn Monday for me.

   wishes Brett would just go away. Favre, Favre away.

   My girlfriend called me a pedophile! I was shocked! That's such a big word for a 5 year old

   ...Really USA? You REALLY thought you would win again???