Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Harrison Ford was lucky. Ten yards left and he's out of bounds. That's a one shot penalty, and he'd had to retake his emergency landing.

   They say, "Don't Text and Drive" but I've had 3 maybe 4 texts all day so I'm good, right?

   What?! "Only a person with a drug problem will get mad at you for trying to hand them a hamburger instead of the money they ask you for to buy a hamburger."? I don't believe they have an elephant's stomach.

   I AM A STEGOSAURUS.

   The creator takes those who are strongest...so that those who are left behind have something to live up to. RIP Nelson Mandela

   I drunken three way is all fun and games until you sober up only to fine you just did two ugly ones.

   Duck Commander releases new pen*s shape duck call just in time for the holidays.

   My cat and I vomited together last night. I think I'm some kind of animal whisperer.

   If John Cusack ever said I did something I didn't do, I'd say "Take it easy, John Accusack!" and then I'd saunter off.

   Well the pilots of Southwest Airlines claiming Gov Christ Christie close the Rnuway, so they aint no where to go!

   iPhone 6 will be wider, but at my age, I'll tap anything...

   B-R-O-N-C-O-S

   Stupid toothless brits

   POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP! ME: My parents never loved me. POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR! ME: That makes way more sense.

   Excited to try this new Starbucks Nigerian Ebola Blend this morning....yum yum

   I'm not strong enough to be your man, you weigh too much for me to lift honey. . .

   I'll give up my thesaurus when you evulse it from my benumbed, cadaverous extremities.

   I admit Mr. Ed was a pretty clever horse, but I'll bet he didn't write his own lines!

   I wish gyms had a "montage" option

   Relationship status: I drink to tolerate you.