Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   FACT: Hairy women like rough sex!

   Just parted the red sea with a big log. Moses would be proud.

   ESPN just reported that their kicker just tried to hang himself, luckly he could not even kick the chair out from under himself.

   Fat chicks are like a moped, fun as hell until someone catches you on one...

   Let's get drunk and cuddle, coz I want to cuddle your brains out tonight.

   ever take a dump so big your pants fit better when you were done!

   Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pale of water. You don't hear them asking for 5 pounds a month.

   The legend goes that St. Danica Patrick drove the snakes out of Ireland.....must be hard to put all the tiny seat belts on all the snakes.

   My hands are so soft and warm that when I accidentally touch myself, I end up naked and spread-eagle on the kitchen bar. Room mate hates it.

   If we all end up in prison one day for illegal music downloads, I can only hope that they divide us by music genres.

   shopping list....plastic bags 4 bucks, gloves 15 , knife 20 , rope 5, duct tape 6 , black mask 6....the expression on the face of the counter guy...priceless...

   asked by his wife to buy her something that goes from 0 to 80 in less than 5 seconds for her birthday...but she didn't like the weighing scale I got her.

   I don't get why people drive old cop cars! Damn it, I had to chug that beer quickly..oh well I'll just open another.

   .All sexy women should be seen in 3-D...That's my apartment # 3 - D .

   Randon thots by KG: If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

   Just because you a ten cent hoe don't make you a dime piece

   Looking forward to the royal divorce.

   You can't buy happiness but you can buy icecream which is kind of the same thing!

   Those people with central air conditioning think they are sssssoooooo cool.

   It doesn't matter what other people think, as long as you know the truth then that's all that matters