Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My Friends Told Me To Get A Life,Instead I Got A Wife And Now I Miss My Life.........

   I see by your Facebook bio that you're into crafts, blogging, windmills, cats, food, earwax, wine, jazz, God, gaming. ME TOO!

   I hope Spongebob & Patrick make Krabby Patty's out of Bin Laden!

   Ashton Kutcher replaching Charlie Sheen on "Two and a Half Men"?... Well, I guess it'll be called "One and a Half and a Quarter Man" now. -_-'

   WOW!!!! Gas is $3.85 what happened to $3.99? I can finally stop getting money out of my savings just to get gas

   Maybe he is perfect for you BUT you are not perfect for him.

   The radio... making car rides less awkward since 1927.

   I get distracted by all the meats in the deli section, must be my short attention spam.

   Its so cold and the snow is so deep it wouldn't shock me if I found Megatron when I shovel.

   A council estate in Liverpool was recently closed due to the discovery of an unidentified object. After 8 hours of scientific testing it turned out to be a payslip.

   People who pimp out pick up trucks , is like dressing your little boy up in girls clothes.

   I THINK MY WIFE THINKS I'M TO NOSEY AND ALWAYS IN OTHER PEOPLES BUSINESS. I AM SURE SHE FEELS THAT WAY BECAUSE I READ IT IN HER DIARY......

   That's the last time I go there for breakfast, nothing ruins an appetite faster than a waitress that has so much facial hair she looks like Chewbacca's sister, eggs anyone???? I also cant help but wonder what this lady's shower drain looks like :/

   Contact your local cable provider and ask them for ESPN 8 "The Ocho" If it's almost a sport, it's on "The Ocho!"

   I lost my second job, but I'm glad she moved out.

   It's so hot I just saw a squirrel soaking his nuts in Gatorade!(get ur mind outta the gutter not those kinda nuts)

   I'm all for getting stuff done, but forgetting lunch is where I draw the line.

   Wow! You breathe oxygen too? Guess we have a lot in common.

   will they change the genre of movie "2012" to comedy on 22nd Dec, 2012??

   If at first you don't succeed, I'm still waiting for you...