Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm a problem solver. Tell me your problems and I'll ignore them. Problem solved for me.

   I would watch the movie Lovelace .......but I know it would suck

   "ENGAGEMENT is when a man promises to marry a woman in a few months NOT when a man gives a woman a ring for 5 years, that is WITCHCRAFT!!!"

   I got shrinkage shopping at Five Below

   If you are going to stalk me, at least be cute.

   I'm a connoisseur of bad decisions.

   My favorite thing about winter...waking up from hibernation!

   This is the fast lane, folks...and some of us like it here.

   First jokess are in..... Why did the referee forget to ask the teams head or tails before the coin toss?.....stay tune!

   I usually can stay pretty strong . Today is a weaker day...maybe I'm "ovary"acting...

   Who put the oral in immoral?

   If people would just drive the Speed Limit, then I don't have to reach for my gun!

   Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, Dead

   You make me want to stop wearing the same jeans 3 days in a row.

   My friends call me "Cruiser", because I like fast cars, fast women.....and the back seat of police cars.

   "You're very welcome" -Dexter

   if I hear one more person say "its not that kind of party...put your pants back on"....i'm gonna lose it.

   Superiority complex: a psychological defense mechanism in which a person's feelings of superiority counter or conceal his or her feelings of inferiority. 

   My son's away at college...... So I peeked in his room,. "Oh my God" Now the City Landfill keeps calling they want their reputation back.

   this year for halloween I'm passing out chocolate laxatives