Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

   If it hadn't been BP it would have been someone else. There are thousands of rigs around the world still pumping away as we speak and I haven't heard anyone mention inspection of their blowout preventers....

   so I finally got rid of all the FB recommended pages and ADs, Woo Hoo. take that FB

   .Of course Margaritaville sounds nice but living there would suck.. There's probably a DUI stop every 8 feet. And Living on Sponge cake? Really? Gross!!!

   what is the square root of pie?...MORE PIE!

   I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public

   making some changes to her life...leave a message and I'll get back to you. If I don't return your message you were one of the changes!

   has just seen a dude so ugly, that he look like a rough draft. Dude needs to be proofread and corrections MUST be made... Everythang is wrong... fragments, run-on sentences... damn

   Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

   If I had a dollar for every calorie I burned tonight, Id be in the hole 1200 dollars! Thanks Alot Papa Murpheys

   it's funny that on the show unsolved mysterious women are never included

   Everytime I watch the Movie "Free WIlly" I feel so badly about the hunting of these fish that I "Free" my own!

   not available right now, please leave a message after the period.

   Appearances can be deceiving - a dollar bill looks the same as it did twenty-five years ago.

   Mel Gibson's girlfriend coulda had it worse... HE COULDA been a Brazilian Goalkeeper...

   yeah she was hot...til she opened up her mouth and the trailer fell out

   sad that my FB has become my BFF.....

   thinks Elvis is the only King to actually die on his throne...(flush...sfx)

   does anyone still miss the old facebook?.. yeah that's what I thought, sell-outs."

   being investigated by Nancy Pelosi.