Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only thing worse than finding ants in your pants is finding Jerry Sandusky in them.

   The next Mission Impossible movie should be two hours of Tom Cruise trying not to jump onto a couch after drinking seven Red Bulls.

   Tim Hortons needs one of those highway construction signs for the drive thru, expect delays

   We live in a generation of not being in love, and not being together. But we sure make it feel like we're together because we're scared to see each other with somebody else *Drake*

   People who post pics of themselves after they have had sex need to be shot.

   Life is short, we only get to live it once, so live and love and give it all you got!!

   It bothers me that Jared from Subway has not yet been eaten by a grizzly bear.

   so....my wife is going to start an all-girl punk band....it'll be called Fistful of Midol....Yea, they'll only play for a week each month tho....

   pics of food?? really.. ??? facebook or menubook

   taking the whole box of Oreos to your room because you dont want to make too much noise in the kitchen and wake someone up. end up eating the whole box because you have the munchies like crazy

   Raise your hand if you remember Carlos Mencia. Okay, now slap yourself.

   Jobs of your boss: 5% to pay your wages. 95% to annoy the hell out of you

   Some kids want drugs, some want alcohol. Honestly, all I want is a good nap.

   Wish I was rich enough to own a room full of bees & if someone upset me I could order my muscular butler to "Take them to the Bee Room!"

   Pimpin aint easy!!! Not that I'm a pimp or anything.. I'm just saying...

   Some people are so lazy, they would actually quit having sex if someone just told them its a good form of exercise

   I was going to upload a photo of my biceps but I don't have a wide angle lens

   My boss at the construction site said if I wear my forever lazy suit one more time I'm fired

   Wow...I spend good money on a fencing class and all the while I was hammering nails this dude kept poking me with a sword... I so wanted to slap that bee mask right off his head...

   santa was right when he looked at you and said "ho ho ho"