Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's 2016, if you're still liking your own posts, you should take your own fist and punch your own face...

   My Grandpa said, "Your generation relies too much on technology!" I replied, "No, your generation relies too much on technology!" Then I unplugged his life support

   I've wiped my bottom 47 times already. It's like there's someone back there with a paintbrush trying to p!ss me off.

   You know who else put mushrooms on their pizza? Hitler.

   Yes. Is time travel possible?

   People b**ching in the express line about the lady writing a check will be p!ssed when I try to barter a sheep for this 6-pack of Bud Lite.

   Dear customer service: I’m typing this with my middle fingers, if that tells you anything about my satisfaction.

   Sitting at my desk wondering how long I can get away with wearing my Halloween costume. I dressed up as the Obama-Care Website. #NotWorking

   Struggling to get my arm in this pringles can, so I get it black guys.

   I'll vote for her, but only if Bill has to plant flowers and pretend to care about children's literacy.

   Hot women are in one of two categories: They're bat$hit crazy or they have the herp...

   RoGhetto Stone is fo da hood, yo.

   Obama needs a grammy for those gas prices

   First woman on the Moon: "Houston, we have a problem." What? "Never mind" What's the problem? "Nothing" Please tell us? "You know what the problem is."

   Ever skip a day from taking a shower, and you run your finger behind your ears and it smells like parmesan cheese?

   Wonder if Ben Affleck and the AFLAC Duck are related?

   breaking news from ESPN. Javon Belcher listed as doubtful for tomorrow's game vs. Carolina

   A silent fool can pass for a wise man. It's also the Republican Party's best strategy.

   A man walks into a bar. He says to the bartender..... "Ow".

   I would imagine I'll react with double the glee when Sleepy Joe dies as you clowns feel about Rush.