Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Unless its your weeding day, nobody wants to see pics of you kissing all over their newsfeed.

   Ladies; Don't forget to text him and ask how his d*ck is today

   500,000 people signed up for Obamacare and the McRib is back... You do the math.

   I will fake love and take full advantage of you .

   Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.

   I think I'd be a pretty considerate cannibal, even if I were constipated I wouldn't force your hand.

   I can't wait for the SmokeABowl!

   Anyone who thinks that overweight people are slow moving, may I remind you of how fast Santa Claus knocked out those gift deliveries a little over a month ago?

   Ever been so mad you threw a cat at another cat?

   Any girls out there wanna duck?

   Easy there buddy... Its an email signature, not the hood of a racecar.

   I love when people comment on my winter weather from warm climates... "It's 80 here" and your inside on the Internet? Losers always lose

   Canadian Bacon is just like regular bacon, but it apologizie all the time about not being regular bacon.

   She tried to make me leave the house without my phone charger and that's when I called the cops.

   I've seen several post fight interviews with Floyd Mayweather. I beez wish Mayweather cud beez talking in da propers englis that literates speaks wif. That said. I won't his cash.

   What's the best frosting for urinal cakes?

   So I thought about asking the love of my life to marry me. Chicken Parmesan. . .

   How much for the erotica kit? Sir, that's a package of bacon.

   Some people say I’m condescending, which of course means I look down on people.

   I wash my hands BEFORE I pee because my hands are dirty not my wiener