Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   By the time someone says "long story short" it's already too long.

   the private sector is doing fine.

   I think all these Jokes about Kony are like his army... Childish.

   Get 10 Parmesan Bread Bites for a buck when you order 2 pizzas for 5.99...we can do this cause our pizza's $uck.

   not wearing any green! Watcha gonna do?!

   I'm sooo tired I spent all night reenacting scenes from Platoon with Charlie Sheen

   My friend complained that the place she's housesitting didn't have a corkscrew, but I found it in .02 seconds, for I...am a Booze Whisperer.

   Just once I'd like to be able to say that my sound is laid down by the Underground and really mean it. Do you ever get that way?

   I once wrote a book on penguins.With hindsight, I realise that paper would have been easier.

   I'll be the spark & you'll be the fire. Come burn with me on a bed of desire.

   To the man that went the Block Buster store ?? Did you kick in the plywood around the windows or did Wayne Huizenga give you a key ??

   The first present I opened this Christmas was a pen knife. I was so excited, I used it to cut open all my other presents. Shame about the puppy.

   you know your hungry when your stomach sounds like chewbacca with a ballpoint pen up his a$$

   I just got done cleaning out my pond for the winter and I found pebbles stuck in the filter. Fred and Wilma are going to be devistated. :(

   Today sucks but I really shouldn't complain. I've got it good compared to...well, dead people.

   It's almost midnight and my bed right now is like that special girl you fantasize about having sex with...I want to get in it so bad.

   Turkeys don't think Thanksgiving is very funny.

   Vodka + grape juice is pretty amazing. Pink elephants? I'm talking about some mothereffing purple elephants with fancy accents and monocles!

   Hate Mondays.Annoy Tuesday.Ignore Wednesday.Smile Thursday.Love Friday.Enjoy Saturday.Damn Sunday!

   multi-directional urinating and it all landed safely at sea....gonna be a good day!