Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   the feeling of getting an email with an attachment

   If the range of decrease in Blood Alcohol Content is 10-20 mg% per hour. I should be able to drive my car next Monday.

   I was driving Home when I saw a Hitch Hiker holding a sign that said, "Heaven Bound." .......... Me being the Good Samaritan that I am, drove completely out of my way ......... To hit Him ......... I'm glad I could help him On his Way.

   Even if evolution is wrong, and it’s not, magic doesn't win by default. 434 Retweets 190 j'aime

   Wonder how much longer humans will continue playing make believe?

   It's the Holiday Season; clean your own spunk off her back.

   What Obama's secretary should have said, "Why don't you play #17 twice, its a nice par 3"

   now if I can train my cat to eat dog poop, I will never have to buy pet food again

   Mexico is like America's basement; yea, it's a little dirtier, but it's a lot more fun.

   Colorado is changing their state flower to "Sinsemilla"

   Sorry I lied about being on the pill and now you are connected to me until you die. - WOMEN

   Our office went out for the first time to celebrate the fact our Trump supporter coworker got fired.

   When life knocks you down to your knees, remember that it's the perfect position to pray.

   So Casey Kasem is missing, they should get Scoob and the gang to solve this mystery.

   Ugly old married women who fight over their male colleagues with all other young women! well done! Your life sucks!

   You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of chicken.

   * He has put his foot in his mouth so often, that his foot bone spurs has transferred to his brain and that is why he can not act rationally.

   why is it called hoarding and not stock home syndrome?

   I played a country music song backwards. I got my truck back,my house back,my dog back..

   Texas wants to become its own Country. Great we can boost our economy by building a wall around it.